I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
