I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
