I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
