We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize