He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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