Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
