probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
