Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
