Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
