I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
