He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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