Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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