He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Shame is for Republicans.
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