Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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