WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
