Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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