Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
