wakey wakey hands off snakey
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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