Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
