he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
