I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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