If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
