Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
