shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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