I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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