I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just invented taco cereal.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Randomize