so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
