things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
