Your face is a jimmy john
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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