you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
