Your tits are I can't wait for
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Pooping to opera.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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