I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
