She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize