just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize