loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
