My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
