god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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