Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You dont lie about slip and slides
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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