You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
