i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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