bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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