you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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