I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
