when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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