You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
