How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
