two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
