OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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