I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
