The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
