When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
