the condom got lost in my hair
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
