I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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