He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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