Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
