i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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